we live what we create

at this time six years ago i was on tour with a band i hardly knew. i consequently worked for their record label for two years afterwards. it was a sort-of communal living space/office where we all worked tirelessly and shared everything we made (cooked or earned). it was hard but we were usually well rewarded with drugs, music industry perks and endless affection. when i left the label, i was forced to leave that 'family' behind. we would still talk, i guess, but i always felt a disconnect between myself and them. people left and others joined. i barely recognize the roster now, but i'm not meant to. i'm not their demographic and i'm not sure i ever was.

right before i stopped showing up to work the band i had begun this journey with broke up. after years of trying and almost getting there, they quit. it was taken well by most and i always considered it the right move. last weekend, that band reunited for the first show since their demise in 2005. i, along with some other og's, came along for the ride.

fuck, this might be awful.

i'm not that person anymore. i want to eat a nice brunch with my boyfriend on saturday morning before we ride our bikes around the city and check out antiques or art or daytime drunkeness. i want to spend money on clothes and take trips to places you can't get to in a van. i go to yoga class and eat a lot of vegetables and try to take. a. deep. breath. every once and awhile. i've been waiting for this entry to come to me, to simply arrive in my mind like a reminiscing fairy full of good feelings and funny stories... but it's not happening. i'm tired. my neck hurts from sleeping in a bed that wasn't mine and headbanging onstage too hard while i was shouting along lyrics about political injustice and societal woes.

i don't know what this weekend symbolized for anyone else. the end of an era? a kind of bat mitzvah to our true adult life? don't mistake when i say: i had fun. i laughed and drank and smoked and endulged but i can't do that every night. i've often thought about how much i would love to be in a band again and tour, record, hang and party every night. i've realized this is not what i want. i want to create, sure, but in some more organic way.

beer tents and board shorts are not in my artistic future.